Easy day to remember, right? I have made perhaps the toughest decision of my life today. It is definitely the most crucial one. The correct choices are often the toughest ones to make(the foolish ones too, as per some).I will try to give my experience today as vividly as possible.
12am- I am struggling to sleep. My mind is racing ahead with excitement. In the meeting that just concluded, CK had asked me about the importance of last trade. How ironic it is that out of all, he chose me to answer it.
10 am- I realize it is time for my most ridiculous act
12 pm- I enter DD for perhaps the last time in my life (no sentiment here). Rajeev, my mentor is in the lift. I never interacted much with him or any senior trader in the office. He is speaking about the sell-off in back months. I can only manage some reply which sounded like “Jun12 was at 98.92”
12.05 pm- The scribbled sign “M.Manoj” appear on the employee register for one last time.
12.06 pm- I see Mayank on my way and told him I am quitting. He shows concern as he has always been good to me.
12.07 pm- I am at my desk; my PnL sheet is right in front of me. I do not want to look at it as I don`t want to remember how much I have costed the company.
12.07pm- I go to Rajeev and tell him that I am leaving. He thinks I am leaving for the day and asks me if I am ill.When he gets, he asks me the reason.
I- I don`t like this job enough to continue.(thinking I am offending him, I go on to add) I am not making or losing money. I want to end this
Rajeev- But you are doing fine na. It is not bad
I- I am neither exceptionally good
Rajeev- did u tell CK?
I- I will, once he comes
Shravan also joins the conversation by asking me why I have decided so. I gave him more or less the same answer. Aanand seems to be genuinely surprised.
I go to the HR
I- I would like to leave the firm for some personal reasons
HR- What`s your name?
I (a bit surprised as the strength of our office is around 50)- Manoj
HR- You need to speak to CK first
I- Okay
12.15pm- I come back to my desk and sitting beside me is sanjay. He tells me that it is a good decision, later plants “bold” before decision. He is a good neighbor.
12.25pm- CK comes to the office. Just before he goes to a meeting, (as per some, I present myself before him like a full toss before Sehwag, ready to get dispatched) I go to him to free the last shackles.
I- Can I have a minute?
CK(nods)
I- I would like to leave.
CK- What happened suddenly?
I- I am not making or losing. It has been a dormant phase. I don`t think I like this job enough.
CK- I have a meeting. We will talk later.
12.45- Anand,our Research Analyst who is my other neighbor casts a look at my screen. Seeing it turned off, he asks me why. I tell him
13.15- CK is done with the meeting. I go to his room for one last time. I was in that room many times, when I had my interview, when Angel strongly expressed his displeasure over me and Mukund being late for a meeting 10 min before and 10 min after the same experience with Margaret and Sunil for the same reason in adjoining rooms. ( Too long a sentence it seems, so does my stay in that room)
I was there in that room when Angel reminding me twice that termination is not a remote possibility on the occasions when I booked profits in scratching period and took a huge loss in post-scratching. I was there in that room when I received my confirmation letter, when I made a 1000 pound loss the next day, again was I there. Unlike the previous day. I was there for an eternity. The last time I was in that room was yesterday when I ended my day in red third time in the last 45 days.
CK- So?
I- I think I am not doing much here. I would like to quit
CK- What was the difference between when you joined and now?
I- In terms of my understanding of the job,there is no difference. I ENJOY the work no longer. I do not enjoy spending 12 hrs at office, entering trades and prematurely scratching them out of fear if they go against me I may end the day in red. The whole focus is on not making profits but attempting to scratch. I can`t stay where fear is
CK- Don`t u think if u scale down and make multiple entries in this type of market, it will help? I confirmed u because I think u have the basic skills.
I- I too think I have the skills. But the point is I can`t lose 1000 pounds with 20 lots and try to make it back with 6-8 lots.
CK- Do you have a backup?
I- No
CK- This is not the end of month. In your case, I believe you can do it if you cut your lot size. See till the end of this month. You will probably make money.
I- It is different if I make money or not. I do not have the drive. I may be able to make it or ,may not be. But I don`t think I care. If I stay, it will be wasting my effort and the company`s money
(I seriously feel proud of myself at this moment.I never claimed I was not a narcissist)
CK- fine, if you feel so. Speak to Margaret and she will guide you through the process.
14.30- I finish my last duties as a trader of my last firm, signing my resignation letter and handing over my id card
But I am still a trader. My statement may not be endorsed by any firm but I know I am. ”A trader is a man who earns what he gets and does not give or take the undeserved. He does not treat men as masters or slaves, but as independent equals. He deals with men by means of a free, voluntary, unforced, uncoerced exchange–an exchange which benefits both parties by their own independent judgment.” I get the feeling of pride which I earned today. Even if I feel bad after some time, I will have earned it as I departed on my terms. I do not give myself for 4lac per month or take 40k per month without making it. I do not have a master now. I am dependent on none for survival and no one is dependent on me. At least I know now that I am not a dead capital, by leaving I had made it profitable both for the company and me and may be for the one who comes in my place (with a probability near 0.4, that`s the survival rate or the death rate,u can call it either way with the perception u have)
P.S.1. Seen katthi today
P.S.2. Mukund is concerned enough to call when he heard I quit.
Abyss of erudition 